THE Internet is on its way to putting psychiatry as we know it out of business. At a Web site called www.queendom.com, it took me 30 minutes to get a thorough psychological evaluation that would have taken months through conventional analysis. I answered a bunch of questions, hit the "send" button and Cyberia Shrink delivered the verdict within seconds. Instant psychoanalysis
via the InternetI started with a little quiz to determine whether I have the dreaded Type A personality.
I lost points for saying that people who don't know what they want get on my nerves, but recovered when I answered that bowling isn't a TOTAL waste of time.
The computer's assessment: "Your attitude to life is more of the 'smell the roses' type, but you realize that competing for your place in the sun can add spice to your life."
Then this warning: "Don't let your hostile, aggressive alter ego take over too often." What does the cyber-charlatan mean by that?
I moved on to a test to measure my "emotional IQ," which my digital shrink found to be "very good -- higher than average. In general, you express your feelings well, are optimistic and positive, adapt well to change and are comfortable with yourself, including your sensuality." They got that last part right.
Cyber-Freud seemed unhappy when I agreed with the statement: "By ignoring a problem, you can make it go away."
I'm always amazed at how many problems -- especially computer problems -- go away when you ignore them. One of my first rules of life is to never deal with a problem without giving it a fair chance to go away on its own.
Cyberia Shrink tested my "locus of control" -- whether I attribute my success or failure to myself or external forces.
It basically boiled down to whether I agreed with the proposition offered on a sitcom promo running this week: "The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumb ass."
As much as I'm tempted to believe that sometimes, I really don't. To which Cyberia said, "Mostly, you interpret your success as a result of your skills, intelligence, nice personality, etc. You accept the credit you deserve. Yours is a very healthy attitude." Thank you.
I saved my Jealousy Inventory for last. "You appear to be a person in whom jealousy can be invoked, but who does not live in a state of fear about losing the (mate). You are secure, strong, independent and rational. If you answered honestly, it seems you do not have any self-esteem problems as far as your love life goes."
What, me lie to a computer?
I decided to try one of the questions on my mate to see if she's equally secure and rational.
I asked her, "You are sitting in a car, waiting for the green light. You notice me walking on the street talking to an attractive woman. How would you feel?"
HOW could you walk with an attractive woman when you're in a wheelchair?" she asked.
"Never mind the wheelchair," I said. "It's a hypothetical question. Pretend it was last year before I broke my leg and went in the wheelchair."
"OK. Is there touching involved between you and the attractive woman?"
"No touching. We're just walking."
"Well, if you're walking without your wheelchair, there'd have to be touching because she'd have to be holding you up."
I give up. Maybe Internet psychiatry will work for men, but there will always be real shrinks for literal-minded women who need to explore the most meaningless nuances of every question before they answer.
David Shapiro is managing editor of the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at editor@starbulletin.com.
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