Ihave this weird feeling that from now on, all national scandals will have to involve three specific venues: a desolate Montana cabin, the Los Angeles neighborhood of Brentwood and the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. All the news that's
fit to BrentwoodWhy this is, I'm not sure. But it is clearly already happening and I have my suspicions.
The guy arrested for shooting the two security policemen at the U.S. Capitol had been living in a cabin that looked curiously like the cabin used by Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber. I was suspicious because I remember that the FBI took the entire Unabomber cabin into custody.
Now, what happened to that cabin after the the Unabomber pleaded guilty? I think the FBI stuck it back out in the woods like one of those roach hotels. (Hey, SWAT team leader! Are you having a problem with Una-wackos? Try the Una-wacko Hotel by Raid! Wacko's check in, but they don't check out!)
They'll probably move the cabin to North Carolina now to catch that abortion clinic bombing suspect who's been hiding out in the woods for weeks.
Apparently, all future scandals also will have to involve the Watergate and Brentwood.
Monica Lewinsky's family lived in Brentwood, which is the same neighborhood where O.J. Simpson lived. Monica lived in the Watergate Hotel, the same hotel that figured in the greatest (relatively sex-free) political scandal of our time, the downfall of Richard Nixon. Are you trying to tell me that it is just a coincidence?
And right when Monica was handing over to Ken Starr a dress with "DNA evidence" of a presidential snuggle session, news programs were showing bulldozers tearing down O.J. Simpson's house in Brentwood! (If the "DNA evidence" turns out to be the missing blood from the O.J. trial, will Clinton's poll numbers go up?)
You have to ask why all national scandals suddenly have to have some connection to the Watergate, Brentwood and a Montana cabin.
I suspect the answer has to do with the expensive nature of national news coverage.
Think about it. Every time something major happens, there are hundred of reporters and satellite trucks ready to beam the news around the world. It's expensive to keep moving these people around the country.
I think that CNN and the other news agencies decided it would be a lot cheaper if things took place in three specific arenas. So now there are permanent television crews camped at Brentwood and the Watergate and following the Montana cabin.
LIKE all good theatrical backdrops, the locations can be used for other stories. Future stories regarding, say, the JonBenet Ramsey case can originate from Brentwood. (All dysfunctional suburban neighborhoods look alike.)
Reporting about lone gunmen (you rarely hear about bi-gunmen, tri-gunmen or the especially elusive penta-gunmen) can be staged in front of the mountain cabin. (Also any stories about global warming, rain forests or Al Gore.)
Anyone involved in a Washington scandal will have to either stay with, lunch with or be interviewed by Sam Donaldson at the Watergate Hotel.
Considering all the news shows on television vying for the same stories, it makes some economic sense that all stories take place in the same three locations.
But if I were a public figure, I'd be a little concerned. (Tip for O.J. Simpson: If you are playing golf and you need to take a leak and the restroom at the 9th hole appears to be a ramshackle, wood-shingled cabin, hold on until the back nine.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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