WHERE to start There's just so much to talk about today ... death, tears, privatization, cooking demonstrations. You can’t escape
death and TexasLet's start with death. Oscar Wilde, I think (I always get in trouble when I quote dead guys), said,"Life is too important to take seriously." (I like that. It should be the Official Honolulu Lite Motto).
But most of us do take life pretty seriously since we aren't all that sure what comes next. The execution of pickaxe murderess Karla Fay Tucker in Texas caused a philosophical tornado to sweep across the country. I admit that my personal dogma was picked up and thrashed around by the uproar. I discovered I didn't want her executed, even though I'm basically in favor of capital punishment.
The weird thing is that the reason I didn't want her to die was because she's a woman. This burst of chauvinism came unexpectedly, because I think I'm generally a gender-neutral type of guy. But it just seems, well, unseemly, for a fairly advanced country like ours to kill women. Even women who kill women.
I know that's completely unfair to men. But I can't help it. Besides, if we are talking fair, how about all the scum bags who should have been executed before Karla. People like the Night Stalker and Charlie Manson. There should be a master list of people who need to be executed, just like the list of people who are waiting for new livers. Karla would have been fairly far down on the "needs killin'" list.
This is a bad segue, but I was stunned to see Bishop Estate trustee Lokelani Lindsey's attorney and public relations guy practicing spin control after her Rotary Club appearance. They said the newspaper inaccurately depicted her demeanor. Specifically, while Lindsey -- who is becoming Hawaii's own Imelda Marcos -- may have "teared up" during her appearance, she did not "weep."
LIFE may be too important to be taken seriously, but it apparently is important enough to have flacks to make sure that your degrees of sorrow are accurately reported. Perhaps to avoid any further confusion, Lindsey can issue a menu of her emotional tics organized by intensity: 1. Droopy Eyelids. 2. Slightly Watery Eyes. 3. Teary. 4. Weepy. 5. Bawling. 6. Tammy Faye Baker-like River of Mascara. 7. Wailing like an Iraqi Washer Woman After Her Camel Dies.
Tip to Lindsey attorneys: Her biggest legal problem isn't going to be entitled "Weepy Vs. Teary."
Next bad segue: Privatization. It also strikes me as odd that many in government demonize privatization except when it pertains to handing fat, non-bid contracts out to political cronies. Maybe public-workers union head Gary Rodrigues should find out how many designers are on the state payroll who could have come up with plans for softball field bleachers that actually worked instead of "privatizing" the job to someone who apparently doesn't watch sports.
Last bad segue: Fake Food. I'm kind of an expert on fake food. Fake teri-burgers. Fake omelets. Fake cheese. Fake food is becoming a new major food group as people flee from fat.
Fake food is not an everyday thing. It's a harbor you pull into when you crave junk food but you're trying to lose weight.
I'll be giving a demonstration on how to cook fake food as part of the Building Industry Association's Home and Remodeling Show this weekend. It's called "The Art of Extreme (Honolulu) Lite Cooking" and it will take place at the Blaisdell Exhibition Hall, Sunday from 10:45 a.m. to 11:45 a.m.
There will also be REAL chefs from REAL Honolulu restaurants cooking REAL food. If you are into that kind of thing, call 847-4666 for times.