AN international team of climate specialists has convened to consider the ramifications of the most shocking atmospheric phenomenon this decade: Al Gore Warming. Experts ponder
Gore meltdown"Al Gore has been cooler than a Popsicle for years but he recently has shown signs of warming, possibly due to the allegations of illegal campaign fund-raising," said one expert. "This is alarming, I mean, he almost actually has a pulse now. If this warming trend continues, we might actually see signs of life from Al Gore, like facial expressions and beads of sweat."
Other experts have studied Al Gore and are convinced there is no way his body could produce even a single bead of sweat.
"In order to have sweat, you have to have an internal temperature caused by the pulsing of blood through veins and a certain amount of mental tension," he said. "While there is clear evidence of Al Gore Warming, it has not been established whether the heat is being internally generated or whether he simply is reflecting heat from external sources. My theory is that as things heat up in Washington with the ongoing Clinton scandals and Congressional fund-raising hearings, Al Gore is simply absorbing and reflecting some of that heat, much like a rock or a piece of wood."
Actually, claimed another expert, it is more similar to the heat absorption exhibited by certain reptiles like snakes and lizards. They may be cold as a mackerel in the morning, but by 4 in the afternoon, they are toasty as, well, toast.
As soon as the campaign fund-raising scandal dies down, Al Gore will cool off again and return to his normal, frigid condition, those experts contend.
Nonsense, says another expert, who comes from a small Third World country whose chief export is dirt clods.
"Al Gore Warming is caused by Green House Gases being released by overly industrialized countries which have way too much money for their own good," this expert alleged. "Small, underdeveloped countries like Dirtclodia suffer because they don't have enough money to create their own Green House Gases. It is up to the United Nations to take money away from the rich nations and give that money to us small guys. That's the only way to solve the problem of Al Gore Warming."
THE truth is that no one really knows why Al Gore is warming. It is only in the past six years that anyone paid attention to how cold or warm Al Gore actually is. Skeptics say environmentalists are getting unduly excited.
"Look," said an official of the Cranky Group of Stodgy Old Scientists. "For all we know, Al Gore Warming occurs naturally every so often and has nothing to do with automobile emissions, Senate hearings or El Nino. Maybe Al Gore Warming is caused by solar flares. Maybe he was warm in 1963 but since he wasn't vice president, no one gave a hoot."
Likewise, no one knows what will happen if Al Gore Warming continues. Some say that the sea level definitely will rise, causing small troublesome countries like Dirtclodia to disappear. So, there's some good that could come of it. Others think the effect could be more striking.
"If he continues warming at his current pace, he could go super nova by the turn of the century," said a former NASA planetary expert. "Then he could collapse into a black hole with gravity so intense that he sucks up everything in the greater Washington, D.C., area, including the White House, Jesse Helms and major monuments. That would be the worst case scenario. Or maybe the best case scenario. We'll have to wait and see."