MY hair is falling out. Seriously. I think it's because of too much stress. But it's summer . . . what could I be worrying about now? College decisions
can be hairyI'm supposed to be spending days at the beach, hanging out with my friends and sleeping until sunset. But instead, I find myself holed up in my room, sitting at the computer and writing essays. I'm flipping through college pamphlets, trying to remember what grades I got as a freshman, trying to piece together a senior resume.
That time I thought would be so far away is now staring me in the face. I have to apply for college, and I'm deathly afraid.
I never questioned that I would go to college; the only question was where. Since I was young, my parents had always emphasized the importance of college.
"You need to go to college so you can get a good job, have nice house, maybe buy a dog . . . it's a chain reaction thing, ya know?" my mom would say.
I could see she had very big plans for me, plans I didn't even know about. As a result, I was always optimistic when thinking of college.
I remember taking a grand tour of the University of Southern California campus courtesy of an alumnus, my father. I remember thinking, hey, college life doesn't look so bad. You get to sit in nice air-conditioned buildings adorned with rich, influential peoples' last names, ride motorscooters, and you're right next to Disneyland!
(OK, I was 5 and this was very important to me.)
How things have changed. Now, I take hyperventilating, life-sucking breaths at the thought of actually going to college.
Now I need to find the right college, through some investigative research. I bought college guides, went to fairs, listened to speakers, searched the Internet and interrogated my Mililani High college counselor at every opportunity.
I became obsessed. I even made my dad take me to the East Coast to stake out prospective universities.
It eventually turned into a full-scale operation worthy of the military, and, after months of research, I finally planned my strategy. I knew where I wanted to apply; I knew what I would do. It was set in the cosmos.
BUT then, the debilitating diseases struck. First came apathy.
"Why do I have to go to college? Why am I freaking out over something so trivial? I don't care anymore. College sucks," I thought.
Next came indecision.
"Maybe I don't want to go to New York. Maybe I want to go to Boston. No, California is closer to home."
Then came the inevitable paranoia.
"What if I don't like it in California? Don't they have a high crime rate there? What if I get killed in a random drive-by shooting?"
All these thoughts kept running through my head. My hair started falling out in chunks. My mom threatened to send me to a mental institution.
Well, I filled out the first part of my application for the University of Southern California, and you know what? It wasn't so bad.
I think I've learned to take this situation one day at a time and simply enjoy the ride. This is my last year in high school and I've vowed not to waste it sitting by my mailbox, praying for the arrival of a certain envelope.
I think the preparation I have done through my many years of study will pay off eventually, hopefully at a great university.
So here I am today. My hair feels a little thicker and I've calmed down. And I'm crossing my fingers.
Laurie Kawakami is a senior at Mililani High School. Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature
allowing those 12 to 22 to serve up fresh perspectives.
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