I was feeling kind of guilty because I had a couple of slices of bacon for breakfast. I always feel guilty when I have bacon. I think it's a rule. Is our bacon
any of their business?Bacon is the tobacco of food. When you eat bacon in public, people stare at you, as if you are opening up your chest with a rusty machete. After the PC police are done banning cigarettes, they'll ban bacon.
First, they'll demand that there "No Bacon" sections in restaurants. There's nothing a health food nut eating a bowl of oatmeal hates more than second-hand bacon aroma. They sit there eating their oatmeal swill, perfectly happy, and then they get that second-hand waft of bacon from the next booth. Suddenly, their oatmeal tastes like school paste.
They try to be smug about it. They know their heart is happy and their arteries ecstatic because they are eating tasteless mush. They hope that the bacon-eater in the next booth seizes up and dies of a massive coronary before he can finish shoveling down his runny cholesterol-laden eggs, butter-saturated toast and those two wonderful, wonderful-smelling pieces of succulent bacon.
But they never do. In fact, the bacon-eaters seem to be quite happy and disgustingly healthy eating their bacon. Damn them to hell and back on a saturated-fat train.
No, this just won't do. Second-hand bacon aroma is killing America. There are people who don't have the willpower to withstand the smell of bacon. They collapse like a futures trader in the pork bellies market during a summer heat wave. They must have bacon. They must have it now.
These people need to be protected. Because isn't it the role of government to protect people from themselves? The government saved us from smoking and drinking while pregnant and sticking sticks in our eyes and swallowing small pointy objects. Shouldn't it save us from bacon?
Yes. So first there will be bacon-free zones in restaurants. Then there'll be government warnings printed on the side of each bacon strip saying that the surgeon general has determined that while bacon may seem scrumptious, it causes vague feelings of inadequacy in mice. And the warnings will get more and more serious as more scientific tests sponsored by the "Hug A Hog for Humanity Association" are made public. We'll be told that eating bacon is 100 percent fatal, especially for pigs. That the amount of smoky flavor and salt in bacon has been manipulated by pork manufacturers to hook children, seeing as how they are the future of bacon consumption.
Bacon-eaters will be ostracized and forced into small exclusive clubs equipped with expensive air-filtration systems. But even that won't be enough.
Eventually, bacon will be banned. And the vegetarian activists will dance around the May pole while inner-city urban gangs take over a vast black-market bacon racket.
Forced underground, bacon-eaters will be at the mercy of sleazy underworld hustlers who will pass off small baggies of 1953-era artificially colored Bake-o-Bits as real bacon.
Daughters and sons will be recruited into the Pork Surveillance Youth League and rat out their parents to the Bacon Gestapo. Neighbors will turn in neighbors when the slightest whiff of cooking bacon floats through an open window.
This will happen, folks. And after bacon, it will be Spam. And after Spam, cheaper cuts of beef. Then imported cheeses, especially those little ones in separate red-wax wrappers.
The forces of dietary darkness won't rest until the day we all subsist on oatmeal. And the scariest thing of all is that we'll like it.