AN audio book company sent me the tape, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus." I threw it into the tape deck on the drive home from work. What a revelation. The key to understanding women, according to the author, is simply this: Women don't want solutions, they want empathy. Suddenly the reason for my troubles with women became clear. The key to
understanding womenI thought back to all those times my wife came home grumbling about some problem she was having at work. "I know the solution to that," I'd say helpfully. "Just tell your boss to shove it up his..."
She'd snarl, "I don't need you telling me how to get along at work. You're worthless. Why do I even bother talking to you?"
The next time she came home with a problem, I followed the book's advice and said, "Poor baby. You have every right to be upset."
Darned if it didn't work like a charm. "Thanks for being such a good listener," she said. "I love talking to you."
I decided to see if it worked in the office when I encountered a male editor and a female editor arguing. The male editor appealed to me for support. "My advice is to tell her that you can see how strongly she feels about the issue and can understand why," I said.
The anger disappeared from the woman's eyes. "See?" she said. "Some men get it."
The guy accused me of wimping out. "That's the beauty of it," I said. "You admitted nothing, you conceded nothing, you apologized for nothing and yet you escaped unbloodied."
Lately, I've been applying my new insights to politics. I realized Bill Clinton's strong appeal among women voters can be explained by four words: "I feel your pain."
Most men in politics are solution-oriented, but can't work together to achieve solutions. Instead they make fools of themselves in ugly male competition. If Gov. Ben Cayetano, Senate President Norman Mizuguchi and House Speaker Joe Souki met to solve the state's economic mess, it would go something like this:
Cayetano: The economy is going down the tubes. If we don't do something, I'm going to be a one-termer.
Souki: Ben, is that you behind that big desk? Why don't you sit on a couple of phone books so we can see you.
Mizuguchi: Joe, if you get your voice up about a half-octave squeakier, you could get a job doing the voice of Mickey Mouse.
Cayetano: Speaking of voices, Norman, this is the first time I've seen your lips move without Gary Rodrigues' hand in your back.
Women work together fine, but often can't get past their feelings to focus on solutions. If Mazie Hirono were governor, Carol Fukunaga were Senate president and Cynthia Thielen were House speaker, their meeting might go like this:
Hirono: The economy is going down the tubes. It's making me feel horrible.
Thielen: You poor thing. I can see how much it's troubling you. Look how you're breaking out.
Fukunaga: How is it affecting your hair? My hair frizzes big time when I'm under stress.
MAYBE men and women should work on our problems together. The women could foster teamwork while the men kept the focus on solutions.
Fat chance. The women would yell at the men for their crude remarks while the men yelled at the women for their circuitous journey to the point.
Even the Sensitive New Age Guy stuff won't bail you out forever. Women may be predictable, but they're not stupid. The last time I tried to tell my wife I understood why she was so angry, she said, "You're so full of crap. Why do I even bother talking to you?"