ALIEN #231 -- affectionately known around the lab as "Roswell" -- can be such a pain. Whenever a visitor stops by its hermetically sealed glass compound, the extra-terrestrial puts down the newspaper to debate the logic of current events on planet Earth. An alien perspective
on biting brouhahaThis week, Roswell was confused about the sporting debacle called the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield heavyweight championship fight in nearby Las Vegas.
"Do not get it," Roswell conveyed haltingly, through telepathy. "Why are earthlings upset at your Tyson?"
Because in the third round, he went crazy and bit off part of Holyfield's ear, which led to his eventual disqualification, that's why!
"Isn't premise of boxing to hurt opponent through unrelenting brutality to face and body? Isn't entertainment value of boxing based on how excited crowd becomes from viewing purposeful infliction of pain and possible show of blood?"
Well, yes, but there are rules to the game, you know.
"Rules to violence? Concept is difficult to comprehend. Aggression cannot have clearly defined parameters. Eventually those limits become cloudy and confusing, as is demonstrated by your Tyson."
Oh, come on. There are certain restraints to what competitors can do in the ring. A guy can't just go chomping off an opponent's body part!
"Then why did not referee stop fight after ear was bitten off and spit out? Instead, referee warned your Tyson not to repeat act, which was not obeyed. Only after second bite was your Tyson disqualified."
Roswell was beginning to be annoying. All right then, ET. If you're so smart, what do you think Tyson's punishment should be?
"Why must there be punishment? Your civilization nurtures and displays contradictory beliefs about violence.
"In film and television, aggression is glorified. In competitions such as boxing and football, the ability to nullify an opponent is rewarded with high salaries. In human courtship, brawn and machismo are seen as positive characteristics for the dominant gender.
"Your Tyson, who appeared to be losing points, was simply striving for ultimate goal of your population, which is to be winner -- or at least not loser. In his mind, disqualification was better than being incapacitated via knock-out, which is what fans actually wanted to see."
No punishment for Iron Mike? The American people won't stand for that nonsense!
"Do not agree with your assessment. They will and they have. Your planet's co-habitants are very forgiving about unorthodox societal behavior below the norms of civility.
YOUR Tyson had early reputation as common street thug. Yet he was revered as professional fighter.
"Your Tyson was accused of beating mate and convicted of forced fornication with another member of opposite gender. He lost little public popularity.
"And if your Tyson fights again, he will be rewarded with millions more in your monetary compensation. You have already shown your Tyson that alleged rules and regulations need not be followed to be generously rewarded by your society."
Good grief. Got no more time to waste on such ridiculous rationalizations from a four-foot-tall, four-fingered, hairless alien creep from outer space.
What a dummy.