OK, Utah basketball fans. Calm down. Get hip, Utah, Bulls will
put muzzle on JazzDon't plan that victory party with you and your wives just quite yet.
Hold off that extra-large order of apple juice and sugarless cookies. Better delay that Salt Lake City victory celebration, which I'm sure would include hearty handclasps all around.
The Utah Jazz? That has to be the worst nickname in sports history.
These would be better to represent the Beehive State's NBA franchise:
The Utah Saints.
The Utah Elders.
The Utah Testaments.
The Utah Diet Cokes.
The Utah Salts of the Earth, maybe. But the Jazz?
Jazz is funky music, often with sensual overtones. It originated with blacks in the 19th century. It comes from New Orleans, that sinful city that jams for 24 hours and features such things as voodoo, nudity and a lot of other neat activities.
Somehow I cannot picture the late Brigham Young blowing his top with a blaring saxophone.
I doubt if ol' Brig cooed: "Hey daddio, dig this cool valley," when he first laid eyes on his future turf.
And I'm sure there wasn't a huge pilgrimage from Louisiana to Utah when the NBA franchise moved out of the real world.
OK, OK. I'll admit it. I have actually had fun in Salt Lake City, but it wasn't easy.
When I covered UNLV basketball, the NCAA always cursed the sportswriters by sending the Rebels to the regional at the University of Utah.
Believe me, it's easier to find a chunk of gold in California than a cold beer in Salt Lake City, but it's possible.
Now Provo, the home of BYU, or Logan, where Utah State hides in the mountains, is another story. Those road trips called for a few pints of booze in the suitcase -- or you were suddenly on the wagon, whether you liked it or not.
I partied with former UNLV and Bulls star Reggie Theus in Salt Lake City once and, uh, we managed to have a good time. Heh, heh.
Well, I better get back to hoops. Nothing against the team itself, or its head coach, Jerry Sloan -- who was one of my favorite players back in the early Chicago Bulls days.
Karl Malone seems like a good guy and it was nice of Michael Jordan to lend him the Most Valuable Player trophy this season, even though he didn't deserve it. Malone has been especially adept at knocking down opposing players -- instead of crucial free throws -- in the final minute of a game to let someone else take the winning shot. No death, no foul.
HE practices this play in the off-season by crashing his tractor trailer into parked sports cars.
And I like John Stockton as well. How did such a choirboy get the reputation for being the dirtiest player in the league? Remind me to light a few candles for Brother John on my next church visit.
Anyway, here's how the rest of the series will go.
Dennis Rodman will be recharged after a trip out of Utah and into Las Vegas between games four and five.
Rodman and Utah go together like Madonna and the Vatican. Hey, even the women in Utah can't wear a dress and blow $20,000 at a craps table.
Jordan will be fired up after an extra day of rest, along with Scottie Pippen and his damaged foot. It's about time for the Chicago bench to come alive after too long of a drought.
So about the time you read this today, the Bulls should be up by double-figures and then it goes back to Chicago for the Bulls to nail down the title.
Even if by some miracle Utah wins today, it merely requires the Bulls to win two straight at home.
You have had your century's worth of fun, Utah fans.
Or let me put it to you this way: You still don't have a prayer against the Bulls.