HERE'S a phrase I never ever thought I'd hear: "When we come back we'll talk with Mother Teresa's attorney." Mother Teresa proves
nothing is sacredIt happened on one of those court television shows recently. Thanks to the O.J. Simpson case and a television channel devoted entirely to legal stuff, court-watching has become the national pastime.
Actually, litigation is the national pastime. Watching litigation is sort of a sub-pastime.
It used to be that the only court show on TV was "The People's Court," with Judge Wapner. That show made Wapner the best known judge in the country. Ask your average kid -- or even college graduate -- to name a judge and he or she would name Wapner. They wouldn't be able to name even one living U.S. Supreme Court justice but they'll know Wapner.
Then the Simpson case came along and we were treated to endless, not to mention, tedious, hours of Judge Lance Ito and he became the best known judge in the country.
After the Simpson case, a number of new shows popped up: "Burden of Proof, " "Cochrane and Grace" and Judge Judy. Of the bunch, Judge Judy is the most fun because she's like this mad little housewife in a black muumuu who shouts shrilly from the bench at whatever unfortunates have decided to air their pathetic personal problems in front of America.
Judge Judy has none of Wapner's judicial bearing. She seems more like a chain-smoking trailer park superintendent used to snuffing out innumerable squabbles between tenants, like who knocked over whose plastic pink flamingo or who stole whose frock off the clothes line. She treats both plaintiffs and defendants equally, that is, with equal hostility, as if they are the only thing standing between her and her afternoon gin and tonic. In other words, Judge Judy is a great judge. If Judge Judy had been in charge of the Simpson case, the trial would have lasted one afternoon, Simpson would have been convicted and everyone, including attorneys, media and that Star Wars court groupie Mark Hamill would have been in jail for contempt.
The major legal question here, is how did we get from Mother Teresa to Judge Judy? Easy. We live in a time when everyone's guarantee of 15 minutes of fame has been replaced with the guarantee that everyone will end up in court one day. Forget national health care, I think every one should be assigned a lawyer at time of birth. It's essential for a society where most children can recite the Miranda warning but are stumped by the preamble to the U.S. Constitution.
What better proof that we have reached this point than the fact that Mother Teresa not only has an American attorney but he is threatening to sue a Nashville coffee shop because it has a cinnamon bun that looks like Mother Teresa. Personally, I thought the "Nun Bun" looked more like Popeye the Sailor, but the attorney for the Angel of the Ghetto feels the coffee shop is financially exploiting the bakery miracle.
It says something extremely important about our world that a nun who has become known for devoting her life to saving the poorest, most decrepit people in the worst slums in the world would take time out to order her lawyer to warn a Tennessee coffee shop to "stop selling merchandise bearing my likeness." It says something important, I'm just not sure what it is.
I am sure of one thing. The last person in the world that I would ever want to get on the bad side of is Mother Teresa. I mean, if I cooked up a souffle that came out looking like Mother Teresa and the Pope riding a Harley and that souffle could cure cancer I wouldn't try to make money off it. And I think Judge Judy would agree with me.