I didn't "do" The Great Ko'olau Trek, the 10-mile jaunt along the new H-3 freeway. And it's not because I was afraid of ticking off any dead Hawaiians. If it is true that you tick off dead Hawaiians by pouring concrete over their sacred sites, I'd say the damage was done long ago. Forget about running H-3;
let's sit on itI didn't join the H-3 deal because I didn't like the attitude of the people putting it on and because I've come to believe that going 10 miles by any method other than a motorized vehicle is stupid. Frankly, the whole thing reminded me of when the first Sizzler Restaurant opened in Guam. I was there.
At the time, most restaurants didn't serve American beef. They served New Zealand beef. And not good New Zealand beef. It was cut with band saws and sold in frozen slabs in stores like roofing tiles. So, when Sizzler opened selling American beef, Guam residents lined up every night for five weeks to get into the place. I've got nothing against Sizzler, but it ain't Michel's. It's just a restaurant.
I felt the same way about this H-3 opening. It's just a highway, folks. If Hawaii residents would show less enthusiasm for the creation of a new highway and more interest in the proper way to drive on one, we'd all be better off.
And the people putting on the race - what a bunch of jerks. At one point, they actually sent out a press release saying that no newspaper feature reporters would be allowed to cover the event. Excuse me, everyone at the Department of Stalin and Transportation. But tax money built this puppy. And anyone with a pencil stub and a scrap of napkin has a right to write about it.
So the whole thing seemed unseemly. People paying big bucks to be herded like goats over a concrete highway that they paid for anyway while being heckled and insulted by protesters who lost this particular cultural battle 20 years ago.
But as reports came back from the participants, I felt a little left out. All they could talk about were the fabulous views. Then I realized, this was not a highway, this actually was the world's most expensive lanai.
Now this I can identify with. I love lanais and decks. I build them all the time. Apparently, we scammed the federal government into paying for the longest, highest, most awesome concrete lanai ever constructed.
So I had this idea: The Great Honolulu Lite H-3 Lanai Tailgate Party!
Yes! Why run or walk? You'll only miss the views. What we should do is temporarily divide the H-3 Lanai into 20-foot sections and charge money for people to camp out on their little section of paradise. Wouldn't it be more fun to toss a few blankets on the concrete, fire up the hibachi, open a few lawn chairs, rest your feet on the highway railing and spend the day looking out over Kaneohe and the Pacific Ocean? Yes!
I know we should be able to do this free, since we paid for the damn thing. But, I can understand that a super tailgate party would entail extra expenses. So charge everyone an overnight camping fee and let the fun begin. You can even charge more for the sections with the most spectacular scenery.
You don't have to worry about people having heart attacks or twisting their ankles. You don't have to go through the shibai of acting like this is some real sporting event. You just let people pull their cars up to their assigned spaces and settle in. You could have a little flea market going on one section of the highway and a concert at another. And you could do this every weekend until the highway opens for traffic.
So, if you like the idea of The Great Honolulu Lite H-3 Lanai Tailgate Party, drop me a note. Us lawn-chair potatoes have as much right to put on an H-3 event as all those guys in the funny tennis shoes. And we'll let anyone write about it who wants.