I'D like to congratulate Gov. Ben Cayetano and his new wife Vicky on their recent marriage. And I add this promise: Ben, I will never, ever forget your wedding anniversary. Because, if I do, I will be in deep kim chee. Mainly because May 5 also is the day that I got married. Governor now has a
May day to rememberNow, I've had 14 wonderful years with my wife, Margie, which is pretty good, considering we've been married for 18 years. That's an old joke and a bad one. But kind of funny, so I thought I'd toss it in. Actually, I've had 18 wonderful years of marriage. I have.
And the reason they've been wonderful, Ben, is because I've learned the ropes. Now, I don't know what happened in your first marriage. That's matrimonial water under the bridge. But you've only been married now for three days, and I've been married for 18 years and three days. (That's nearly three full seven-year itches. I'm saving them up.) So I think I can probably give you a few pointers that will make your union, if not blissful, then at least relatively injury free.
You've passed the first hurdle, which is you've had your wedding on a day of the year that is easy to remember. May 5 is notable because it's both "Cinco De Mayo" for people who like to get wasted on margaritas once a year and because it's also "Stinko de Mayo," the holy day of mayonnaise haters everywhere. This should keep you from becoming one of those husbands who forget their anniversary.
And you have to understand, you will get no help from your wife in remembering your anniversary. Unless you have a built-in "impending-domestic-explosion radar," which most men don't, you will never detect your mate's rising tide of ire as the date of your anniversary approaches.
Your wife will not remind you. That's one of the rules. It is up to you to remember your anniversary. So she will quietly stew as the day approaches, knowing that you have forgotten. And then she will let the minutes of your anniversary day pass like a ticking time bomb, until it is too late to redeem yourself by running down to the 7-Eleven to pick up a celebratory Big Gulp and pack of "love" Twinkies. Then she will erupt in tears and anger at what scum you are and -- trust me here -- you will definitely feel the part.
Not that that's ever happened to me. Or that it will happen to you. That only happens to guys who are dumb enough to have their wedding on some hard-to-remember holiday like June 14, which is Flag Day. No one remembers Flag Day. And so any guy dumb enough to get married on that day is doomed to forget his anniversary at least once, which is more than you want to.
Other guys play it too smart by getting married on really big days like Christmas or New Year's, but that's just too obvious. Any wife is going to realize that the only reason you chose that day is so you'll never forget your anniversary. She'll know that you are just too sneaky for your own good. Besides, if you ever did forget that Christmas was also your anniversary, there would be hell to pay. Forgetting an anniversary that falls on Groundhog Day is one thing. But forgetting that you were married on Valentine's Day, well, pity the fool.
May 5 is better. So you did good there, Ben.
My only other key piece of advice to you is never go to bed mad at each other. Memorize this line: "You're right, honey. I'll never do it again. Good night."
If you use that line during key moments in your marriage, you will have a long, happy union.
Remember: Above all else, you are partners. It is you two against the world now. It is a great feeling to know that no matter what happens, you'll always have at least one person on your side.
So congratulations. Margie and I expect only a small gift next May 5.