ROOT, root, root for the home team. Cardinals are grousing?
Oh, horsefeathersWhich, this weekend at Aloha Stadium, is the San Diego Padres -- or is that the Poi-dres?
So I will dutifully perform my civic duty by getting out the 42-ounce Louisville Slugger and knocking the Cardinals back-back-back-back-back.
Actually, personal prejudice comes into the ol' ballyard here, since I am from Chicago -- where the only popular cardinals reside in nests or the Vatican.
I am more of the White Sox persuasion, having dodged South Side bullets as a youth, rather than North Side croissants. But I still prefer the nine starting coat racks at Wrigley Field over the Busch-leaguers.
Hey, within a long fly ball of Wrigley, you have a bunch of great bars. For Busch Stadium, look for the giant McDonald's Arch. Or sniff the air for the Clydesdales.
OK, let's not get personal. (But why did Cardinals' manager Tony La Russa use jet-black shoe polish on his hair this season?)
Two words explain the hatred that Cub fans have for the Cardinals: Ernie Broglio. That's who the Flubbies got in a trade for Lou Brock.
We did lure Harry Caray away (more free beer) from St. Louis to do White Sox and then Cubs play-by-play, though, so let's call it even.
Anyway, the current Cardinals have me foaming, I mean fuming. They are complaining about coming to Hawaii.
Some people save money all their lives to come here for a week of torrential rain and still are kind enough to say "At least we have these weird shirts and coconut lampshades to take home" while swimming to the airport.
These major-league baseball birdbrains are saying that their flight here from Florida will make them tired. And they're on a charter flight.
For those of us who sit sideways on a 15-across commercial cattle car -- usually between a fat guy and a caffeine addict, with a screaming child one row behind -- it is hard to sympathize.
IN yesterday's wire story, Cardinals' relief pitcher Tony Fossas complained about the long trip and the time change. Now this guy really needs to rest up. His last appearance was on Monday against the Astros, when he labored for two-thirds of an inning and threw 10 pitches. We better send an ambulance to pick up this lad at Honolulu International.
And outfielder Brian Jordan said: "I think we need a chiropractor on this trip."
Hey, guys, just play a little friendly poker on the way, just like they did in the old days when players had to ride for days on a train or bus -- except you guys can play hundred-thousand 7-card stud instead of nickel-dime.
Maybe the Cardinals' 0-6 start on the road this season has something to do with their whining. Or the fact that they are 4-10 coming into this weekend series, which includes -- eek! -- a doubleheader.
Maybe Bud Selig will intervene and let the Cardinals use a batting tee every other inning. And surely La Russa will have a strict five-pitch limit for Fossas.
THE Cardinals played a day game yesterday and have today off. And in case they can't read the national weather reports, this is the most beautiful setting on earth right about now. And, guys, if your spirits are still low, check out some of the scenery on Waikiki Beach or the pool at the expensive hotel where you are staying for free.
Or stick a fistful of hundreds in your pocket and give me a call. I'll be glad to take you on a Honolulu nightlife tour that you won't find in St. Louis or any other mainland stop along the way. All I will charge for the guide fee is a few brews -- and a Club Rock-Za T-shirt.
A day at the beach and a night on the town should stop these birds from squawking about a paid vacation to paradise.