Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, April 7, 1997

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With Rolodex,
your life is in the cards

IT'S too bad that ancient civilizations didn't use Rolodexes. It would be a gold mine of information for archeologists.

Hardly anyone keeps diaries (except for people who shouldn't, like presidents) or writes letters anymore. That form of written history is all but dead. But if you want to know what a person's life is or was like, go through their Rolodex.

The Rolodex is an archive of lost dreams and future hopes; it's a safety net of comfort connections and a personal "911" file of custom-made emergency contacts. It's a nerve network to family and friends and a spelunker's lifeline for the terminally memory-impaired.

What would an archeologist of the future discover about a certain columnist if he dug up a Rolodex from rubble of a collapsed news building? Business cards from:

A CPA. (The idea being that, by putting it in front of other cards, taxes will be filed on time. Hah.)

An attorney friend.

Public relations person.

Beef jerky distributor.

Animal Rights Hawaii. (In case of a column that's mean to animals.)

Dave Barry's personal phone number. (Remember, disguise voice, i.e. make lower.)

Barber shop used eight years ago.

Kathie Lee Gifford contact number. (Why?)

Address of POG maker. (Sob.)

Costume company. (Never know when you'll need a chicken suit.)

A local attorney.

A private investigator.

Columnist in Sarasota, Fla.

Address of radio therapist Dr. Laura (before she became famous.)

Another lawyer.

Another private eye.

Another insurance agent.

Another flack.

A columnist in Atlanta, Ga.

Personal number for a federal judge.

A columnist in Columbus, Ohio.

Barber (Sachi) circa 1988.

"Happy Hookers." (Hazy, but probably a golf club. Toss just in case.)

Publisher of the book, "Honolulu Lite." (Doesn't return calls anymore, damn him.)

Guy who was writing "Hawaii Five-0" movie script five years ago. (Missed the boat, Danno.)

A PR person.

Insurance person.

Lawyer.

Gumshoe.

Fax number for Jenny Jones publicist. (Pitch idea: Large Guys Who Know Way Too Many Lawyers, Insurance Reps, Flacks, Columnists and Private Eyes.)

Various television station numbers. (To contact former newspaper reporters who were skinny enough to go into television news.)

A columnist in Ft. Worth, Tex.

Parents of local kid who became a movie star and who's now too big for his britches to return calls to the local newspaper columnist.

Editor-in-chief of New York book publishing company. (Pitch: Big Guys Who Know Way Too Many Lawyers, Insurance Reps, PR Types and Private Eyes -- The Book.)

Lawyer.

Private dick.

Flack.

Mount Horeb Mustard Museum in Wisconsin.

Writing consultant who likes to point out typos in column. (Toss.)

Joe Moore's secret, private phone number that I'll give out for small sums of money.

Polygraph examiner.

A columnist from New Orleans, LA.

Private security company. (Body guard in case of column mean to animals.)

A urologist. (Huh?)

A columnist in Kansas City, Mo.

A columnist in New York, NY.

Archeologist's Report: This guy REALLY needed to get a life.