LOOK, I'm a worrier. OK? I admit it. I can worry about just about anything. And I've been worrying overtime lately. So many worries,
so little timeI'm worried that a scientist planted some brain cells in a chicken so now the chicken bobs its head and sings like a quail. Why did he do it? It wasn't necessary. The world does not need chickens who sing like quails. We need clean energy, hotdogs that don't cause cancer and hooch that doesn't cause hangovers. But we don't have those things. We've got a freakin' quail-head-bobbing chicken. And this is the only one we know about. I'm worried that there are other scientists doing stupid things like making hamsters bark like Dobermans.
Let's not even talk about all this cloning business. I'm worried sick about it. I don't care if they clone humans. Cloning could lead to people with special talents, like white guys with rhythm.
What worries me is that they are doing cross-species cloning. For instance, they've cloned some human genes into cows. Why? Are they trying to get a cow to bob it's head and sing like Frankie Avalon?
I'm just worried that when you start cross-species cloning something bad is going to happen. Cows are disgusting animals who always have flies landing on their eyelids. What happens when some new virus develops in a cow that then can jump to humans? You know, like some kind of super fly-carrying cow-eyelid virus for which humans have no defense?
They're transplanting human genes into pigs, too. They want to make it so that if your heart goes bad from eating too much Spam and bacon, they can give you a pig heart. Human genes will assure that your body doesn't reject the pig heart. That worries me a lot. I think, morally, people who ruin their health from eating pork should be barred from receiving pig parts. It's just wrong.
I'm worried about the space program. They have plans to go to Mars and bring Mars rocks back to Earth. Remember what happened when Spanish conquistadors landed in Central America? A bunch of them had, like, common colds or something. The Aztecs had no immunity. So, they were wiped out because they couldn't handle colds. Maybe it wasn't the Aztecs and colds. But the point is that the Spaniards brought over a bunch of germs that killed millions of people.
I'm worried that if there is life on Mars, it's some sort of small germ-like life that is only held in check because there's not enough oxygen on Mars. You bring some Mars rocks back to Earth and - BAM! - the Mars germs suddenly spread around the globe, killing people or making them bob their heads like quail or something equally serious.
I'm worried that bell-bottom pants are going to come back in style and I'll be too fat to wear the ones I've been saving all these years. I need a few more years in order to focus.
I'm worried that they'll find out that breast self-examination causes cancer and that, in the future, air pollution will be so bad that only cigarette smokers will survive because only their lungs can hack it. I'm worried that they will figure out that prostate cancer is caused from moderate exercise.
I'm worried that doctors are going to discover that tonsils are the most important organ in our bodies, that they actually are where the soul resides and everyone who had their tonsils out will go to hell.
I'm worried that those Haitian sweatshop workers being paid only 23 cents an hour by the Disney company are putting curses on Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck dolls, and that one day all the dolls are going to come alive and dance around children's rooms singing evil zombie tunes.
And, I'm worried that I'm the only one worrying about all these things. It's way too much stuff for just one guy to worry about.
