THE Perpetual Victims League scored a major victory last week when a state court jury found that two punks who beat the hell out of a tourist had not actually intended to hurt the man and were only guilty of Second-Degree Overly Enthusiastic Conveyance of Aloha. To the victim
should go the spoilsI have been writing about the Perpetual Victims League for years. Basically, it believes there are two types of people in the world: FRCs (Future Rehabilitatable Criminals) and PVs (Perpetual Victims). The Perpetual Victims League believes that each side has a role to play in society: The criminals have to commit crimes and the victims have to be victimized. This is the natural order of things and nothing should interfere with it.
The Perpetual Victims League has two guiding principles. The first is that victims should never try to protect themselves. (That goes against all tenets of victimhood.) The second is that most criminals should be treated kindly by society since they are merely performing their assigned duties.
Accordingly, the PVL is against anyone carrying guns except criminals; is steadfastly against so-called personal security devices, such as electric tasers and pepper spray; and absolutely abhors bystanders coming to the aid of a victim in the process of being victimized.
So you can understand why the Perpetual Victims League was just ecstatic about the vicious North Shore beating of a visiting Chicago police officer and resulting slap-on-the-wrist jury verdict last week.
"What a fantastic outcome!" exclaimed Hurtme Plenty, the new head of the PVL, who answered my telephone call. "Everyone performed their roles magnificently! The victim was completely victimized and incapable of protecting himself. The poor misunderstood criminals carried out their robbery in an efficient, professional manner. The bystanders refused to come out of their homes when the victim screamed for help. And to cap it all off, the jury let the two boys off so lightly that not only are they bound to repeat this behavior, all of their friends will, too. Wonderful!"
I don't understand how the jury could find that the two attackers did not intend to seriously injure the police officer.
"Well, they aren't doctors," Hurtme Plenty said. "They didn't know exactly what harm they were causing."
Have you ever kicked someone in the face? I asked.
"Of course not," Hurtme said. "I'm a kickee, not a kicker."
But don't you think that if you were kicking someone in the face, and you heard, like, the cracking of bones, that you might be seriously injuring the guy?
"That doesn't mean they INTENDED to break the man's face," he countered.
The guy had two black eyes, a broken nose, a broken jaw and the doctor had to put metal plates in his face. Do you actually think that the assailants could do that much damage without INTENDING to injure the guy?
"Look," Hurtme said, "I feel badly for the gentleman. He is a victim. Victims get hurt. But he'll heal."
If the guy had pepper spray, he might have been able to protect himself and get away.
"Ahhhh! How can you say that! We can't have victims going around spraying criminals with pepper spray. Criminals have rights, you know," Hurtme said.
Well, what if the attackers had used pepper spray on him?
"That would just go to show you why pepper spray shouldn't be legal," Hurtme said. "Because it would be used by criminals who don't actually need it. Especially when they've got perfectly good boots for kickin'. Hey, you wanna buy one of our special PVL Late Night Bus Stop T-Shirts?"
Let me guess, it has victim written all over it.
"You got it."
