AS devoted readers of Honolulu Lite know, we are committed to an intermittent yet continuing effort to provide ideas on how the City & County of Honolulu can raise money without squeezing taxpayers like pimples. T-shirt victory could be
a big money makerThis is a subcommittee of the Honolulu Lite National Fiscal Accountability Project, which has made a wide range of suggestions on how to get rid of the national debt, the most dynamic of which involved selling off unneeded territories and states, like the Virgin Islands and North Dakota. (Either North or South Dakota, actually. The idea being that we can't economically justify having two of the same state, North or South Dakota, North or South Carolina, etc.)
Some disagree, saying we just can't put a state on the auction block. Obviously, they don't remember when we sold East Virginia to Canada.
I'm against selling Hawaii - which contains the United States' largest strategic reserves of sunshine and breathable air - although I'd be willing to consider leasing it to the Sultan of Brunei for a year or two.
For Honolulu, I suggested manufacturing snow shovels - with toll-free vacation tour numbers printed on them - to be distributed throughout snowbound parts of the mainland. I also suggested locating the Honolulu Convention Center in Las Vegas, where building costs are low and there are heaps of tourists.
That would have provided pure profit for Hawaii with little wear and tear on beaches, roads and parks. (That idea was rejected, and now the convention center is being built just out of walking distance of all major Waikiki hotels. A master stroke in tourism planning.)
B UT now Honolulu has another chance to make some easy dough. The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld Honolulu's ban on the sale of T-shirts on the sidewalks of Waikiki.
In legal jargon, this decision is called "a biggie."
Essentially, the high court has said that local governments can control commercial activities on public sidewalks. That means they can stop religious and environmental organizations from hawking T-shirts to tourists. More importantly, it means that the city OWNS the sidewalks and can do whatever it wants with them.
I suggest that the city immediately print up thousands of official City & County T-shirts that say: "We Won the T-Shirt Vendor War!" and begin selling them in Waikiki. After all, there's obviously a market for tacky T-shirts on Waikiki sidewalks and now the city rules that turf.
Other possible T-shirt designs could be: "Hari Krishna This," "You Ain't Saving the Planet in THIS Neighborhood, Bub," and "One World, One Family, Lotsa Lawyers."
T-shirt sales will make tons of money for Honolulu but that's just the tip of the financial iceberg.
T-shirt selling on public property is a national problem. It happens from the monuments of Washington, D.C., to the streets of San Francisco. Honolulu is the first city to take the issue all the way to the Supreme Court and win. That's gotta be worth some money, right?
All these other jurisdictions are going to try to copy our law for free. And that's just not fair. Hawaii taxpayers paid for this Supreme Court decision, damn it.
The first thing we ought to do is copyright all of the documentation that led the the legal victory. Then we sell our "How Honolulu Beat the T-Shirt Vendors Legal Package" to other towns and cities on QVC and through infomercials on major television stations. Every place in the country that has been besieged by T-shirt vendors who occupy public land will flock to us.
So, there you go. Just another great idea from the Honolulu Lite "stop squeezin' the taxpayers like pimples" program. Stay tuned for more.
