Now, if you were raised in Hawaii, you won't even understand what I'm talking about. This is not an insult, but people in Hawaii have no idea why highways are divided into lanes and what each lane is for. It's not their fault. I don't think it's taught.
But the theory behind having multiple lanes of traffic moving in the same direction is this: the far right-hand lane is for slow-moving vehicles, such as trucks and cars driven by people who think going over 40 miles per hour is madness; the middle lane is for cars going the speed limit; and the left lane is for passing.
If there are only two lanes going in one direction, such as on parts of the Likelike and Pali highways, the right lane is supposed to be for going at or below the speed limit and the left for passing.
I didn't make this up. This was decided by traffic engineers. If everyone adhered to this concept, traffic would move much faster and we wouldn't have half the traffic jams we now have.
But that doesn't happen in Hawaii. Here, if a driver plans to make a left-hand turn, oh, I don't know, 17 miles down the road, he settles into the left-hand lane going either two miles below the speed limit or just fast enough to match the speed of the car to his right, thereby blocking everyone else behind him.
Large trucks have no qualms about using the left lane for cruising, even if they have to do it in second gear. One of the really exciting things to watch in Hawaii is one of those huge refuse transport trucks passing a cement mixer while going up the Pali. This operation takes about 15 minutes, during which traffic is backed up to Makapuu and the drivers directly behind the rubbish wagon are treated to odors so exotic they would gag a maggot.
THEN you have the road warriors who have decided it is their duty to make sure that no one passes them. So they match the speed of any car to their right or left, blocking everyone else until they can suddenly bolt and race up to the next car to set up another blockeroo. If you manage to pass one of these guys while he lights a cigarette or plugs in a CD, he will chase you down for miles, tailgating and giving you the one-fingered salute. Why these guys should care if anyone passes them, I still don't understand. But if you drive in Hawaii, you've encountered these idiots.
The result of these highway high jinks is that the right-hand lane, the so-called "slow lane," has become the "fast lane" in Hawaii. You can zip up the Pali Highway in the right lane and rarely meet a slow truck or car.
I've been doing this for years, even though I've never forgotten the true purpose of that lane. Until the other day.
I was heading up the Pali in the slow lane, passing hundreds of cars in the fast lane, when I suddenly came up on a car going slow in the slow lane. Well! I was shocked. I didn't honk my horn, but I started yelling at the other driver, even though my windows were up and the poor old guy couldn't hear me.
"Hey, get the hell out of the slow lane if you're gonna go slow! Move over to the fast lane if you're gonna go the speed limit, ya jerk! Doncha know the slow lane is for speeders?"
I eventually passed him and moseyed along on my way. And then I realized that I had finally turned a cultural corner. I had actually gotten mad at a guy in Hawaii who was driving correctly.
Finally, I feel like belong here. I really belong. Kind of like when Jack Kennedy went to Berlin. Now I can say with pride: Ich bin ein kamaaina.
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