"Fone Fitz" is on the air.
Please, keep the profanity to a minimum. And remember, I have already heard every threat in the history of mankind.
Fitz: Hello, sir, you're on the air.
Caller: This is Bob Wagner and I wanted to call and tell you that I still dream at night about dropping you from an airplane into a school of starving sharks. That stupid cap you wear would be the last sign of you. On the other hand, running you over with a steamroller would be just as much fun.
Fitz: Sounds pretty imaginative for you, Bob. Now go back to picking weeds in your yard. It's too nice of a day to make such violent threats. Wait, though, there's another call. Let me put you on hold, Wags.
Caller: Hi, this is Riley Wallace. How come you haven't written anything about the great recruits I just signed? We'll be in the NCAA tournament for sure this coming season, as long as every other team comes down with the flu during the WAC tournament.
Fitz: Hi, Riles. Yes, you worked those UH volleyball games to recruiting perfection. But did those guys really believe that the basketball crowds are just as big and loud? Hold on, there's another call coming in. Let me put you on hold with your old pal Wags.
Caller: Hello. This is Coach Murakami. Why haven't you written anything in my defense? People here seem to have forgotten how many great seasons I've had in the past and now they want me to retire. I thought you liked me - or at least were afraid of me. You hurt my feelings, Mikey. And don't those mean fans know that behind this tough face is a field of fragile feelings?
Fitz: Now, now Coach Les. Get a hold of yourself. No need for tears. The fans will come back as soon as your team can limit the walks and errors to under 15 a game. But hold on, there's another call coming in. Let me put you on hold with Wags and Riley.
Caller: Hello, this is Fred vonAppen. How art thou on this delightful morn, which Shakespeare would find most pleasing to a poetic palate? The birds are in the sky and the flowers are in a bloom of beauty. The bees are buzzing vxxx
Fitz: Easy, Fred. I know the weather here is inspirational, but let me put you on hold with Wags, Riley and Coach Les.
Caller: Hello, Michael. This is athletic director Hugh Yoshida. I'm extremely upset with you for continuing to call some of my decisions "boneheaded." Now, every day on the golf course, my partners say "That was a boneheaded putt" or "What a boneheaded tee shot." It really hurts my concentration.
Fitz: Sorry, Hugh. I'll try to come up with a different adjective. But let me put you on hold with Wags, Riley, Coach Les and Fred.
Caller: Hi Fitz. This is Mike Wilton. Please write a column on how I deserve a huge raise.
Fitz: Sounds good Mike, but let me put you on hold with Wags, Riley, Coach Les, Fred and Hugh.
Caller: All rise - and you take off that stupid hat. This is the honorable University of Hawaii president Dr. Kenneth P. Mortimer. I was listening to your "Fone Fitz" show while playing speed chess here in my office with the head of the psychology department, Dr. Wilhelm Wackenheimer. Please relay the following memorandums: Tell Wagner he's still fired. Tell Wallace he has one foot out the door and the other one on a banana peel. Tell Murakami he better fill that damn ballpark next year or he'll be back in Little League. Tell vonAppen to start reading up on winning football instead of Tolstoy. Tell Yoshida that vonAppen better work out or he'll be on the same one-way flight with him. And tell Wilton to come see me when he wins the big one. Other than that, tell the fellows to have a nice day. After we're through playing speed chess, Dr. Wilhelm and I are going to the Waikiki Aquarium. We like to look at all the fishies.