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Digital Slob
Curt Brandao
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Aliens will be green with envy over Earth gear
When aliens from planet Zarkon attack Earth, instantly grinding our military industrial complex into a fine powder before methodically converting humanity into a highly viscous, slightly spicy aquamarine condiment, will you be ready?
I don't mean ready to fight back -- let Tom Cruise, Will Smith and Sigourney Weaver earn their Oscar gift bags as usual -- but rather, are you ready to keep your Digital Slob lifestyle on life support after common necessities like McDonald's, fuel and the Dish Network's "America's Everything Pak" go on an extended national-emergency hiatus?
Don't be caught cowering in a closet, starving and immobile with nothing to cling to other than a blank iPod screen. Rather, rise to the occasion like any self-respecting Digital Slob by cowering in comfort and ease with post-disaster tools like these:
Microfueler (efuel100.com, $5,000-$7,000): When the world is controlled by giant extraterrestrial insects, going to the EZ-Mart to fill up your SUV will be problematic at best. So, now might be a good time to start distilling your own high-octane home brew.
This ATM-size at-home pump will let you make ethanol-based fuel (which will run any gas-powered car) for about $1 a gallon. Although it's seemingly expensive on the front, pre-alien-invasion end, the manufacturers claim it can pay for itself in about 18 months once it hits the market later this year. With a method not unlike using your common bread maker, you can buy 50-pound bags of sugar-yeast mix, pour it in and just wait.
Unfortunately, it requires the same basic infrastructure hookups as a washing machine: power and water. So it might be a good idea to process and store as much ethanol as possible in a cool, dry place before the interplanetary stuff hits the fan.
Cheeseburger in a Can (gizmodo.com, $6): After the alien invasion, the term "fast food" will quickly revert back to meaning anything that moves faster than you do. So it might be a good idea to stock up on these hermetically sealed throwbacks to a simpler, more processed-protein time. Just put one of these cans over an open flame for a few minutes, and an actual, ready-to-eat burger is but a pop-lid away from your stomach.
Sure, $6 each for barely edible burgers might seem like a lot in these waning days of human civilization, but once ETs interrupt the Quarter Pounder supply chain, they'll be worth more than their fat content in gold.
Solio Charger (store.solio.com, $80): iPods, portable video players and that USB-powered toy pole dancer your buddies got you for your bachelor party are pretty useless without a power supply, and power is one thing you can bet aliens will want to keep for themselves.
But with this solar-powered charger, you can keep your tunes, movies and various seedy memories afloat forever. The Hybrid 1000 comes with several adapter tips and works with most cell phones, mp3 players and GPS devices. After a one-hour charge, it offers 15 minutes of cell-phone talk time or about 40 minutes of music playback, assuming the Zarkons' mother ship doesn't block out the sun
